I ♥ my job... part 2

Dear Arrogant Bozo

It gives me great pleasure to hold the door open for you. It is the highlight of my day. There is no need to thank me, nod in my direction or acknowledge me in anyway.

I know that you are a very busy person, always deep in thought. I mean you are a manager and you are probably preoccupied with your managerial concerns; like where to go to lunch and your company car, and those matters have replaced common courtesy.

I understand that because I am your subordinate I am non – existent to you, barely a person and because of this there is no need for you to concern yourself with me. You have to save your voice for your superiors, speaking to me would be too draining on you.

So have a nice day and I hope you don’t ever forget your card again, because I just turned up my iPod and I won’t be able to hear you knocking on the window to get in.

Kindest Regards,
Me

I ♥ my job

Dear Genius

Thanks ever so much for dumping water into the sugar bowl. It was great reaching in there this morning and finding all the sugar packets sopping wet, turning the entire container into a sticky mess. I mean I filled up the sugar container the last three times just so you could have some place to dump your mug full of water. Nothing pleases me more than cleaning up after you.

I realize that your hands are broken and that you are able to grab some paper towel from the roll that is all of three inches away and clean up your mess. I also understand that since you are the only person in the entire company that uses the sugar bowl and you can treat it as you please.

But I have one small, (teensy, really) request. Would you be able to meet me around back? My boot would like to meet your butt.

Kindest Regards,
Me

Drunk with Power

Here’s some background into my company. We are three companies under one big umbrella. We share the same building and most times it is hard to tell who does what. Each company has their own GM and that person is responsible to reporting to the president. We operate as separate entities except for social events.

That being said the annual Halloween contest email went out yesterday and this caused a coronary with the newest GM. He had a hissy fit and informed all of his staff that Halloween costumes are not allowed. He will send how anyone wearing a costume and dock their pay.

WTF?!?! Halloween is supposed to be fun. Is he going to ban candy too???

This really sucks because the rest of us will all be dressed up and they will have to wear suits. I really feel for them because they had been planning to dress up as a company of zombies since the beginning of October and now he has taken that all away.

He’s a prime example of someone who takes advantage of his position.

P.S. He has made attendance at the Christmas party mandatory and no spouses are allowed. Again: WTF?!?!

Hypothermia

As I sit here I have a coat & scarf on and I am huddled as close as humanly possible to my space heater but I can’t get warm. You want to know why?? It’s freezing in my office. For whatever reason my office has decided to turn on the AC, even though it is just above freezing outside. Somebody somewhere in here has decided that they are hot and they need the AC on. I can promise you when I find that person I am going to strip them down to their underwear, put ice cubes in their briefs (because I know it is a guy) and make them work outside for the rest of the day. If they’re that hot, they shouldn’t mind.

OK, I am not going to do that but it is a really nice thought. :)
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to crawl back under my desk and sit on my heater.

Sip, swish, spit….repeat process

My boss is in the process of planning our annual Christmas ‘activity’. In previous years we’ve gone bowling or to a pool hall but this year she wants to do something more ‘upscale’, so we are going wine tasting!

I am by no means a wine connoisseur, I know little to nothing about wine. My liquor of choice is tequila, Southern Comfort or rum. I only drink wine when I am truly desperate and I have no other choice.

Left to my own devices, I tend to buy the $7 wine in tetra packs that can be resealed in case I get drunk before I finish it. (I’m one classy chick, I know.) So going on a wine tasting tour is not my idea of fun. OK scratch that, it would be my idea of fun if I could go with a bunch of people that I actually liked and didn’t have to worry about acting silly or getting sloshed. Instead, I am going with my department which is full of pretentious fuddy duddies and the only way that I would have a good time is if I get hammered out of my mind, which would lead to a very embarrassing Monday morning.

I would much rather go bowling.

Sexy vs. Sweet

Halloween is almost here and I don’t know what to be. For the past five years I’ve been ‘sleepy’. I come into the office in my pj’s, fuzzy slippers and a teddy. It’s great for me, because I am comfortable and warm the entire day. It is one of the few days where I don’t complain about the cold and I am most productive. But my costume is getting old. When people just assume that I am going to be ‘sleepy’ it makes me want to change things up.

But I don’t know what to be. I went costume shopping this weekend and the choices are a bit too risqué for the office. The thought of coming in as a Catholic schoolgirl or sexy devil doesn’t appeal to me. (People do come in as these things, but I just can’t make myself dress like that*. Well for work anyway.)

I want something cute, wholesome and fun. Is that too much to ask? Do you have any suggestions on what I can be?

*The HR girl that takes great pleasure in writing me up for dress code violations has come in as both and is probably planning as something just as scandalous this year. I am not hating – I just don’t like her and she doesn’t have the body to rock these outfits.

Never expected this

It’s no secret that my top drawer is filled with mini chocolate bars and candy. I am quite willing to share. I don’t ask for any money and I encourage my co-workers to come over and take some candy even when I am not here. Some people just come over and ask permission to go in it every single time they come by which is fine by me. And some people just help themselves, also fine by me.

I think of my drawer as contributing to employee morale. Because I know that I would be a cranky ass if I didn’t have it so I apply that logic to just about everyone else.

Yesterday when I came in, I found a present waiting for me. It was from one of the “regulars”. She felt bad about always eating the chocolate, so she went out and bought me a trio of lip glosses. I don’t wear make up at all and the lip gloss will probably end up in my nieces dress up chest. But the gesture itself was very sweet and very unexpected.

As much as my office is filled with dumb asses and snobs, there are some that do make my day.

Brand Spanking New

Port a potties!!

Apparently the head honcho went out and used the port a potty and was not very impressed. So he called in the troops and had the finest, top of the line portable toilets he could find brought it.

And I must say from the outside they look very impressive. Instead of one trailer with six mini stalls there are two trailers with two stalls each. This one looks way cleaner and even the steps are nicer.

I am tempted to go in and have a look see, but I am still traumatized by my last adventure so I am going to wait until I hear more about it from other people.

Adventures in a port a potty

Desperate times lead me outside to the port – a – potty and whoo boy! It was an adventure!

There was a puddle on the step that more closely resembled a lake than a puddle. I had to hike up my skirt and take a very un-lady like step up into the potty to avoid it. Once in there I had to stop myself from gagging.

It was dark and dingy and if my bladder wasn’t on the verge of explosion I would have turned back around and left. But I had no choice; it was either use these facilities or wet myself.

Then it happened. Someone in the potty next door moved and my entire unit shifted to the left. I had to grab onto the paper towel dispenser for balance. I guess whoever it was next door sat back down again because my unit shifted again this time to the right. By this point, I said screw you to my bursting bladder and ran as fast out of the potty. I held it long enough to make it to the proper bathrooms next door.

Never again!!

Can you see me?!?

I am the most junior person in my department. Not the dumbest by far but the youngest and (I can admit it) the most immature. I don’t have aspirations of being a big boss or anything. Hell, I really don’t even want to be a supervisor; if I did I would be one.

But it ticks me off something fierce when I get ignored. Don’t introduce every other person in the department and leave me out. Don’t list every single other person and leave my name out. If I am such an optional employee, I can accept that, but don’t ignore me until you need my help.

Port a Potty

There’s one sitting in our parking lot at this very moment. Wanna know why? Our bathroom will be under construction for the next four weeks so the company has brought in the finest port - a - potty that they could find. Apparently it is state of the art, with running water and heat.

I am not sure about the timing though. Having to go outside to use the bathroom when the weather is this chilly is not pleasant; even if it is heated. I think that the summer would have been better planning on the company’s part. I have to admit, it’s big. It’s taking up about 7 parking spaces. But I won’t be able to tell you what it looks like inside.

I can’t stand port – a – potty’s and I refuse to use them. Something about them really grosses me out. I would rather drive to the gas station or the donut shop and use the bathroom there than use the potty that is sitting outside.

Thieving Co – Worker

Dear Person Stealing my Yogurt

When I put my food in the communal refrigerator it is not for you to take. It is still my food even though it is in the fridge that everyone uses. I am not nominating my yogurt to be your mid afternoon snack.

Stop taking it!! It is mine. My name is on it for a reason. I bring it in so that I can eat it in lieu of a chocolate bar. Because of you I am either starving by the time I go home or feeling incredibly guilty for eating a Snickers. Stop messing with my food or else.

If I catch you stealing my yogurt again I will resort to the punishments from way back when and cut of your hand.

If you think I am kidding, just try me.

Regards,
Me

Jus tickin’ me off

Maybe it’s because I’m sick, or maybe it’s because my baby is sick and at home, or maybe it is because the sun is shining and I’m inside; I don’t know but everyone just seems to be ticking me off today.

Take your damn phone off speaker. I do not need nor do I want to hear your conversation. I do not find your lame sales jokes entertaining nor do I enjoy listening to the instrumental music that plays when you are on hold.

Put your cell phone on vibrate. You are not superman; I do not need to hear the superman theme song every time someone calls you. Also, if you are avoiding a call hit ignore, don’t let you phone just keep ringing. If you don’t start picking up calls you run the risk of me walking over, and answering your damn phone, and you don’t want that.

Stop humming. I can hear you!! Dude, you really have to quit with the humming. At first it was mildly amusing but now it is just plain annoying. I realize you like whatever song it is you are listening to but I don’t need to hear your version over and over again.

Rant over, I am going to go eat a chocolate bar now.

Let the feeding frenzy begin...

The sales manager quit yesterday. He didn’t hand in his notice, he just came in packed up his stuff and walked out. So now his position is open and the ass kissing has begun.

The man hasn’t been gone 24 hours yet and there are already at least 5 people brown nosing the GM trying to get an ‘in’ on the job. Just about all the sales guys have decided that they are qualified and are sucking up so much that their lips are in a permanent pucker.

It’s quite a sight to see….

When will this day be over?!?!

I started off the day feeling this way and I really want today to end now. I am having a totally and completely yucky day.

• I’m sick and I feel miserable. Someone has stuck cotton balls up my nose, marshmallows in my ears, and hit me on the head with a skillet.
  
• The motherfrickin’ daycare feels the need to send my son home every time they have to change his diaper more than three times in a day. He poops and tinkles – GET OVER IT!! Put on latex gloves and deal with it. I pay you over $1000 a month, earn your damn money.
  
• My boss and his boss are out so I am holding down the fort. This means I spend most of my day dealing with their clients and saying, ‘sorry it’s just me today, I’ll let them know you called/emailed/or stopped by’. I ain’t no secretary but when they’re away I morph into one.
  
• I have to work late. As a result of the mother frickin daycare’s inability to deal with poop, I had to run out of work for an hour and a half to pick up my son and drop him off at my moms and then come back. I have to make up that time now and leave a half an hour later than I normally would, and get jammed up in rush hour because of it.

I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep but the way this day is going, that is not going to happen for awhile.

Morning show - giggle, giggle, snort, snicker, ahahahahahahaha

I do believe that my co-workers think I am crazy, and I can’t say that I totally blame them. If I wasn’t me but I was observing me, I would think that I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket too. Have I confused you yet???

So I digress, my latest reason for my list of crazy behaviour is radio morning shows. I am not loyal to anyone radio station, and I listen to three different morning shows on my drive in. Whichever one is funniest that day is the one I listen to, which is not crazy behaviour.

The crazy behaviour is me sitting in my car in the office parking lot laughing hysterically. I tend to do this a lot because for some reason the co-hosts get funnier the closer I get to the office, and by the time I park I am laughing uncontrollably.

I know that my coworkers see me and probably think that I am not all there and those of them that have been here for a long time are probably used to it. But I need that laugh before I come in and get bombarded with their stupidity and idiotic questions.

I’m Lost

At one point in my life I knew where I was going but I don’t anymore.

Family wise; I’m good. I would like to have another baby but just not right now, it would be too expensive right now. Maybe when Destructo turns three, that way he can go to school and we can afford daycare for the new baby.

Career wise; I’m not so good. How in the hell did I end up here?!?!? My heart isn’t in it, I definitely didn’t go to school for this, really and truly I hate it, so why I am doing it?!

I would love to get into a museum or a library but I am not willing to take a pay cut. If I leave to start something new I will have to take a pay cut and I can’t afford that right now. So I am stuck here being miserable and blogging about it.

Just yucky, plain and simple

Dear Lulubelle

Please ensure that you wash your hands after using the potty. It is quite disgusting that you do not wash your hands after each and every visit to the potty.

If you choose not to wash your hands, please refrain from touching me. I do not appreciate having my hair or clothing pawed by grimy hands.

Sincerely,
Me

Test Drama

Yesterday was the first test for my God awful course (which will be known as GAC from now on) and it wouldn’t be my life if there was no drama involved.

I got to leave work early so that I could get baby from the daycare, drop him at home and then go back to the class and take the test.

Let me put my timeline into perspective for you, I left work at 4:30pm and class started at 6pm. The class was literally two blocks from baby’s daycare but because Milhouse can’t leave work early to get him, I do it (that may change though or at least on test days). I live about 30 minutes away from the daycare and 32 minutes away from the class. So that hour and a half is stretched really tight. So yesterday when I needed the timing to be precise Murphy’s Law kicked in.

· On the way to the daycare - there was traffic and construction outside work because of the movie shoot. Instead of taking me 10 minutes to get to the daycare it took me 25.
· On the way home - there was a major accident that closed down one highway and the other highway was closed for repairs. So instead of it taking me a half an hour to get home it took me almost an hour.
· On the way to class – there was construction on the roads that caused major slow downs. So instead of taking 20 minutes to get to class it took 35.

So my sister and I were about a half an hour late for a 45 minute test!!! Good thing we’re as smart as we are, because we rocked it and finished the test in time.

Pros & Cons

Pro: my boss lets me do pretty much whatever I want to do. I went to Destructo’s daycare today and he didn’t have a problem with it. I was gone for 2 hours and I haven’t lost any vacation time nor do I have to work through my lunch.

Pro: my boss’ boss is buying me ice cream. I get a single scoop of double fudge brownie.

Con: the politics here are extreme. There is all kinds of backstabbing and scheming going on.

Con: all this ice cream and cake is getting me fat.

I don’t know what to do???